I was born and grew up in China. I love my ancient, mystical lineage: being in tune with the natural rhythms, the ability to interpret ecstatic universal paradoxes, not to mention the philosophical glories of contention of a hundred schools of thought (BC770 -BC476)…
The modern culture, however is very different, especially during the 80s and 90s, beyond brutally competitive. And I was brought up then.
When I was in school, it was all about “getting-ahead-or-you-will-starve-forever”, which left no room for play or any kind of authentic individual expression. We wore the same haircut, we were made to sing the same songs during the toilet breaks and even taught to have the same thought.
Every school pupil’s worth was strictly dictated by our exam results. We were ranked at least once a month as soon as we were in middle school.
That little ranking number meant a whole life to us. It was your honour, your shame, your worth, your…in a way, destination. But I could never ever get it right. I mean, if I did well, I got envied and pushed away by my friends; if I didn’t do well, I put my whole family to shame. Desperately seeking approval and wanting to be liked by both family and friends, my subconscious self was totally confused, which showed up in my ranking swinging wildly up and down. So did my fragile sense of self-worth.
Ironically, as an intuitive, I knew exactly whether I would do well or not.
I mean, a few days before the exam started, I would noticed my energy – bumpy or relatively calm. But each time when I knew my energy was off, instead of being taught how to adjust my inner self, I desperately wanted to change the outcome by working extremely hard such as memorising entire textbooks – but it never ever worked because when I was in a panicking mode I couldn’t get access to all the knowledge.
Nothing killed me more than knowing the likely outcome of my “destination” but being unable do anything about it.
Alternatively, when I did well, like being the top 3 or even the number 1, I spent more time worrying about who I might upset this time, instead of simply enjoying some well earned reward.
My guides tried to help me to reconnect with my Spirit. But it was practically impossible, I had no time to myself, given the classes started from 7am and did not finish until 9pm, EVERY DAY. (Well, if we were lucky we got a Sunday afternoon off at times).
I wasn’t myself. In fact, no one was him/herself. We were all part of the mass products for politically or culturally messed up reasons that had nothing to do with us as a valid human being, or…kid.
I developed severe stomach pains. No one was able to tell me, “The whole system is beyond bullsh^t. Just relax, and you will be fine.” Instead, I was told that I had the condition because “I was weak.”
On 22 June, 1998, it was the last day of my final junior high school exams. My teachers, my school and my parents held the high hope that I would win some prizes among the fierce competition in my city.
I just couldn’t sleep the night before. It was too hot. The construction work outside was too noisy, and above all, my nervous system couldn’t take up that much imposed pressure.
I got up in the morning, panicked wanting to vomit. Reached out the the adults seeking for help, and the response I got was “Shame on you. Such a coward!” My brain went blank. Needless to say, I didn’t win anything. I disappointed a lot of people, and for the whole summer I was soooo guilty as I put them to shame.
Fast forward, I spent the majority of my 20s healing that pattern, quietly, thanks to my physical illness, which definitely helped to dissolve tons of the mental pains.
Some of my corporate colleagues were very curious, “How come you don’t care about promotion or climbing the ladder? What made you so happy about everything?”
I didn’t know how to put it all together: climbing another ladder when I was much younger and confused; how I fell, got up, fell again and got up again, and this mentality almost took over my entire teenager-hood; and that it was my hard-earned inner-peace after starting anew on my own in a totally different country and I just don’t take it for granted….
My performance anxiety calmed down and didn’t really bother me again. Well, except that, when my business really took off last year, this old “pal” revisited me.
It was like an aftershock – not as bad as the first mental earthquake, but bad enough to impact my daily living.
I noticed that I was giving way too much attention on some artificial things/stats/matrix. It took away my focus of simply being a lightworker. It robbed my delight to evolve with my business, it created so much mental chaos and even insanity to an extent.
I felt like my 14 years old again. Powerless. Suppressed. Shameful. Awkward. Sleepless. Floating in the air – never felt grounded. Never good enough for them…
“No, this pattern cannot carry on anymore”, I told myself, “It ate away my entire life last time, but I’m a grown up now, I CAN change.” I made a firm commitment to change, just not sure how. I read many books, went to many lectures, nah, nothing was shifting fundamentally.
I tamed my temper to beat myself up. “It shouldn’t be this hard”, I invited my Guides to help me: “I’m not 14 anymore, I have the power to change. And I hereby claim my power. I know you guys can help me. Please show me the way. Please show me the way, please, please, please. I deserve to feel grounded and safe in my own skin.”
They delivered – swift like a thunderstorm. Here is what happened.
It was a normal day, Tuesday to be precise. I was walking on a street that I’ve walked for nth times, in the snow, in the wind, with construction work going on, never ever had any sorts of accident.
Out of sudden, I felt a force to really push me down, in the meantime my feet went crazy, and immediately I fell.
“What the heck is going on?!” I was extremely embarrassed initially. But in a split second, I heard Guides celebrating for me: “Here you go girl, congratulations!”
I felt the weight, the performance anxiety, the “getting ahead” urge…poooph, gone. It was a strange sensation, but wow, the stubborn, re-emerged pattern just gone… as bizarrely as that.
I am still not sure what exactly happened behind the scene (nope, not because that I didn’t know how to walk), but I was brought back to the ground, literally.
I, for sure, didn’t look graceful, lying on the street during rush hour, hands bleeding, knees, body and even lips touching the floor…
But just like, Mother Earth kissed me back, I reconnected with the bigger part of me, feeling being held, accepted and gracefully loved all over again.
The rest is history.
Dear friends, although I don’t know the exact details of your stories, I do know how it feels when shadows haunt us sometimes especially during uplevelling. But I also know that when you make it an absolute non-negotiable to grow out of your patterns, you will.
Sure, I don’t mean that you must fall literally, but it can be so miraculous and fast and beautiful in your own way.
Here are some steps to assist you:
Step 1. Identify your patterns.
If you have trouble to sleep/eat well, to launch/grow your business, to talk about what you do and who you want to serve the best, it is NOT that you are not good enough. Chances are some stubborn patterns are running in the background, stopping you from being the person you deeply desire to be.
Step 2. Stop judging yourself.
Know that you are not your patterns, not your thoughts, not your habits. You are way bigger than all of that. Trust that you can change.
Step 3. Decide to change.
Here and now. No need to wait til tomorrow or next week. Changes can only be made at the present moment. What do you really want? Bear in mind, changes don’t have to be soul-shaking, splitting the red sea, moving the mountain literally; real and lasting changes often start with subtle shifts.
Step 4. Expect the shifts coming.
Ask your Angles, Guides, Universe, God, Higher Self, and people in your real life who are supportive to help you. Expect changes but surrender to the how. You might experience an overnight energy make-over like the above, you might not. But the truth is, the “how” and “how long it takes” really doesn’t matter, because you are SHIFTING and HEALING regardless.
Step 5. Contribute to the (better) ripple effect
Afterwards, share your experience with your community. Were you frustrated, feeling helpless during your process? Then share those details with those who resonate with you yet still stuck in their own patterns – never underestimate the power of witnessing and understanding. Let your changes, small or big, be the alchemist to create a more healed world.
Tweet this week’s affirmation: “I free myself from all destructive patterns. I’m ready for my breakthrough, here and now.”
All my love
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