On the surface, people-pleasing seems kind and sweet, but when we dig into it, people-pleasing is way more complex than simply being thoughtful, it actually has a very negative effect on our mental health, it stops us from establishing healthy boundaries and holds us back from developing true intimacy with others.
I AM MAKING a course at the moment to help fellow empaths and highly sensitive people flourish in our increasingly demanding world. Over the years, I’ve been looking into the link between the empath and people-pleasing, such as where it originates, why many empaths tend to fall into the people-pleasing trap, and how quitting it will result in a calmer and more authentic life.
People-pleasing is an automatic response in decision-making for many empaths.
If the empath has gone through some traumatic experiences in life, they simply cannot stand the pain of watching others suffer the same, and they are extremely careful towards what they say and what they do, because they cannot bear the thought of being the source of the slightest discomfort or hurt for another human being. Whether they are the source of that discomfort or not, is a different story.
When the empath falls into people-pleasing, however, it’s not about gaining any advantage over others, but more of a survival mechanism.
People-pleasing VS Generosity
As tribalism is still running deeply in our blood even after thousands of years, people-pleasing can appear to be a convincing way to soothe our insecurity, manage our fear of being disliked, bullied, or partially or completely abandoned by the ones who are very important to us.
Yet once we strip off its appearance, people-pleasing is very different from healthy generosity.
Healthy generosity says: “Here is what I can give and offer, accept it as you wish. You don’t owe me anything. There is no resentment or backlash even if you say NO, and I have the capacity to love you the same.”
People-pleasing says:”I have to do this, if I don’t they will reject me. I need to fit in and I must be liked.”
The difference lies in the intention. Many empaths are simply kind and generous in general, but when their own needs are overlooked especially for a long time, they slip into people-pleasing, unconsciously.
Now, as the holiday season is coming up, busy schedules, deadlines and requests can trigger a lot of “stuff” in us. This is also the time when our boundary can be particularly challenged.
I want to share the following mindsets and mantras to help you, so that next time when you catch yourself slipping into people-pleasing, you’ll be able to stop, pause and shift into a healthy generosity instead, (or just simply take care of your own needs for now). The bottom line is: you have a choice.
Your world won’t fall apart when you look after your own needs.
When your NO is respectful, truthful and polite, people will appreciate it as much as your YES.
Care about people’s approval and you will be their prisoner.
– Lao Zi
The default setting of people-pleasing can cloud your judgement and stop you from spotting red flags of abusive or toxic relationships.
People who are the most difficult to please often are the ones the least worth pleasing.
It is not necessarily you who cause the unhappiness in people around you.
This one is especially for you, If you ever fear that you are the reason of misery in others, the truth is that it is highly unlikely to be you. Their happiness is not dependent on you, just like yours is not dependent on them.
Always being approved by others does not help you to discover or explore true creativity.
When love and compassion is free-flowing and pure, giving is the same as receiving and vice versa. People-pleasing is not a shortcut to win love, rather it pushes away our most authentic Self. The challenge for the empath is to understand that the more your self-care and boundary is impeccable, the more you know that you have a choice, the easier for you to be in that free-flow and healthily generous state.
Have a good one & let me know how it works for you!
Yiye Zhang 章一叶
Dear Yiye,
Your beautiful email arrived right on time to remind me of why I have travelled thousands of miles away from my normal holiday routines…to experience what it feels like to be generous with myself. Thank you for the validation of the importance of acknowledging how those of us empaths with any kind of trauma history are prone to fall into the hole of people pleasing as a go to unconscious setting. This is a hole I am currently very conscious of in myself and one that I gently strive to nurture a path around from now on. Sending you a huge hug and many thanks!
Dear Arielle, big hugs!
Wow, thanks so much for your heartfelt, thought-provoking and wise words! It’s empowering that you are gently meeting these needs and thank so much for sharing your experience, it’s inspiring to hear and I’m sure so many reader friends find the same!
Much love to you xx
Such a timely post, Yiye! This article really encouraged me to send a polite, respectful and truthful NO, instead of a stressful or half-hearted yes, thank you, thank you! ⭐🙏
So happy it is timely for you! Well done on your polite, respectful and truthful NO! 🙌🙏👍⭐
Hi Yiye, I must admit that sometimes I people-please unknowingly, as I mistaken it as generosity. It’s so helpful that there is a section on people-pleasing vs generosity. Love the mantras too, this one in particular: “People who are the most difficult to please often are the ones the least worth pleasing.” This is something I really resonate with. I’m learning how to spend my energy wisely and thanks for these helpful reminders and your generosity! 😉💐
Thanks Sophie for your kind words! I hear you on the confusion between people-pleasing and generosity! Same here, it took me awhile to understand the differences and distinguish them!