The year of working for a narcissistic boss taught me the power of our raw, authentic emotions. Abusive people are good at manipulating others, but after tapping into my somatic wisdom, I finally realised that I can make the change without feeling like a victim. I do hope that by opening up, it can serve as a catalyst for you to walk your truth.
Increasingly many of us have concerns and frustrations around not having permission to be who we are, to do what we do. I receive questions around this theme often:
“Yiye, I really want to have a joyful and fulfilled life. I see people who live like this emphasise a lot on being a service. I wish that I could feel this way too, but for some reason I just don’t have that desire at the moment. Am I being selfish here. I have so many different interests but I don’t know how I can be of service. Please help.”
“I really want to have a joyful and fulfilled life, I want to feel that I’m on my purpose. I see people who live life this way emphasise on being of service. I wish that I could feel this way too. But for some reason I just don’t have that desire at the moment. Am I being selfish here?
I’ve read many self-help books, I dabbled in yoga, I eat healthy, but I still feel stuck inside. My life is not dull, and don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful but I can’t pretend that something big is not missing. How did you find your calling? Please help.”
I agree that being a service to others is important. Personally it helped me so much to overcome many fears: namely, “not being good enough”, “you are doing nothing new”, “how can I make this work?” etc…
But to be honest, it didn’t begin like this.
It wasn’t like that one night I thought “hmm, I am going to be a service”, then I woke up the next morning – bam, I have a meaningful business. Although, that would have been nice.
To share my story (only because I know my own the best), the very initial reason for me to begin freelancing then having a creative business was nothing to do with an intention to serve or even being passionate about anything…
Instead, I was simply walking away from a toxic culture.
For instance, once my ex-colleague N was sent out of town for a business meeting. On her way she received a phone call from her son’s school that he was missing.
Needless to say how frightening and panicking it was for N, but she was under pressure to make it to the business meeting anyway!
Thank goodness her son was OK in the end. But witnessing her experience had a huge impact on me.
I didn’t trust the “work-life” balance B.S. claim in many companies.
My health was always fragile while I was working in the corporate world. I am not the type who can stare at a screen for 15 hours straight with only a sandwich and a packet of crisps to “keep you going”.
While I was grateful for the job opportunity, I couldn’t possibly see myself working like that for the next 40, 30, or even 2 years.
I wanted a way out.
It wasn’t easy to make such a step.
“Thankfully” I had a horrible boss back then.
He had many many bizarre requests, even by corporate standards.
I had to ask his permission to leave work, EVERY-freaking-DAY, despite that all tasks were complete, despite I was already a grown ass woman taking a middle-management role.
I’m not talking about 6pm or 7pm, most of the time it was past 9pm. Even when he was having dinner with clients and I finished my work, I still had to wait for him to return to the office and ask if it was OK for me to go home and eat.
I was never allowed to have a proper conversation with him, according to him, I should only take orders from him and nod.
Otherwise, he’d accuse me of being disrespectful. He’d threaten to not give me my share of bonus at the year end – he knew that I needed that fund for my upcoming wedding.
I was totally bewildered. He came across very very differently at the interview – super warm, respectful and felt like a normal person. Some of his over the top praise of me did jar me, but I ignored my hunch. (Looking back though, that is how exactly a person with high traits of narcissism would operate: lure you in first, then control and devalue you.)
I tried absolutely everything I could: indirect and direct feedback with him; talked with his boss; spoke to HR; nothing worked…
I even joked with him: “So am I allowed to go to the toilet now?” Hoping that he’d get a hint of his micromanaging. He didn’t get it judging by his reply: “Yes for now.” He truly thought that he was the master for my life and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry…
One night I had a disagreement with him, because he took credit for my work, and used it to suck up to his boss claiming it was his work. As someone whose mind is deeply and hopelessly rooted by hierarchy only, he was shocked that I stood up for myself.
And for the first time, I couldn’t be bothered to “clear the air” or “communicate with empathy” with him – I tried thousands of times before and he never appreciated my gestures or effort.
I left the office regardless while he was yelling at me.
I didn’t want to go back home immediately either.
I had an urge to try a new dance and shake off all the toxic energy in my body.
My instinct took me to Pineapple dance studios in Covent Garden and took my first ever contemporary dance class.
Doors shut, music on, finally I was in a different world and able to breathe a little.
The tune was called “Failure”. Exactly how I felt at that very second:
“Once again I am having an abusive boss, who wants to control me inside and outside of work. Why did I buy into his BS at the interview stage, ignoring my intuition and not seeing through his true colours? Why am I so naïve? What’s wrong with me?!”
I felt like a big failure not owning my life, not even able to decide tiny things such as if I can leave work, what time I can have dinner tonight.
The music carried on and I let go. I allowed myself to jump up and fall on the floor. I had tears in my eyes, and due to lack of practice my knees really hurt. But none of that mattered, as it was my brief moment of freedom – I gave myself permission to express my true feelings.
I didn’t want to “hold it all together” anymore. It didn’t feel like an honour to be a “tough cookie”.
I stopped pretending “everything is OK” when clearly it wasn’t.
After clearing out so much heavy and dense energy in my subtle body, I took a reflection at myself: “He is who he is and I cannot change that. But in which ways am I not taking responsibility for my own wellbeing?” I pondered.
Firstly, I was afraid of the unknown of searching for another job, I prioritised my fear over my happiness.
Secondly, I contributed to view myself as a victim, I could simply leave and cut cords with toxicity, but I didn’t.
Not for much longer though…
Clarity came through those moments. The situation needed to change, and I can make that change without feeling like a victim. I wanted a life that supported the integrity of my being, instead of a perpetual endurance.
I resigned one week later and took some time off to recharge before I became a self-employed freelancer. And I didn’t look back.
Yes, the economy was gloomy. Yes, we were under pressure to save up for our wedding fund and housing deposit.
But my wellbeing is more important.
I did self-employed finance consulting for a year (much better culture and pay) before I started to do what I do now.
However, if I didn’t let myself express the anger, the disappointment, the shame through dancing and time off back then, I’d still hold onto these negative feelings inside.
I wouldn’t have enough inner space to welcome the new energy of “being a service”.
If you are not sure if you want to be a service yet, don’t force it. Chances are some personal bruises need to be healed first and foremost.
Nowadays we are blessed with the availability of many personal development tools, we are fired up to explore and pursue new ideas, healthy living inspiration and spiritual enlightenment.
However, if not careful, the accessibility can also create an illusion that everything is so easy, which tricks our mind into thinking that we know it all.
Many of us are learning via our head/intellect predominantly, pushing the instinctual and intrinsic Self aside.
Knowing is one thing, doing is another, and being is a whole new different level.
There are negative emotions and symptoms that we do not want to face. But emotions are ingredients of alchemy. Until we acknowledge them, process and/or transform them, our Spirit will not be fully engaged in the transformational process.
It’s all about giving yourself permission to express your own truth.
You have permission to be a fabulous service, despite all the self-doubt, and offer the best of you to the world.
You have permission not to be a service just yet, fulfilling your personal needs first without feeling ashamed.
You have permission to raise your price so that you feel more energised and rewarded to do your work.
You have permission to have a “gift day”, giving away your goods and services to those who you really love and appreciate.
You have permission to have a fiery start to your new programme, hiring some helpers to take your business to the next level.
You have permission to take a whole week off, veg on your couch and watch some entertaining TV show.
You have permission to say Yes to something grand that you have been secretly wanting to do for as long as you can remember.
You have permission to say No to a request that doesn’t resonate with you, despite the fact that it might come from an industry leader/”celebrity”…
You have permission to stop arguing with how you feel.
No one other than you can give you this permission.
Going back to the question at the beginning.
If I were you, I’d explore all those interests as you said in your email!
But bottom line: I’m not you, dear reader friend.
What do YOU really want to do right now? Where does your heart direct you to right at this moment?
Respect this urge and desire. Stop fighting it. You never know, by following this urge, what wounds in you can be healed, or what creation it can lead to.
Trust that, when the time is right, your desire to serve, your passion and purpose will all come to visit you.
When this amazing energy comes your way, remember to catch it, ride it and take advantage of it.
I see this happening all the time… I have no doubt that it can and will happen to you too.
But before that, do take care of yourself first.
With love,
Yiye Zhang 章一叶
ps. 3 spots left for Divine Feminine VIP Day. If you are looking for a dedicated private mentoring space, I’m happy to guide & support. <3
